A “borrowed” blog

This gal’s blog is titled: On Loan from Heaven.  I’m jealous of such a perfect blog name!!! hehe 🙂  She wrote this amazing blog that literally had me reduced to tears.  She’s eloquent in her language, in a way that speaks so loud and clear to me.  The way she captured her pain, in a lot of ways, captured mine as well.  Now, granted, I have not lost a child, and there’s no way I could ever know that pain…but I’ve grieved the loss of someone I never had and someone I don’t even know.  To those who have encouraged me, hugged me, cried with me, thank you.  Read it, you’ll understand 🙂  Here blog link is: http://www.onloanfromheaven.com/

 

Why I can’t say ‘thank you’…

We were completely overwhelmed at the love we received when we lost our #3
 
phone calls… emails… text messages… cards… flowers… Edible Arrangements…comments here and on Facebook… meals… dinner gift cards to give us a break from the day-to-day… hand-made treasures with so much love behind them… jewelry that symbolizes our loss but also what we still have… reminders of God’s promises… 
 
each one came at the exact moment that we needed them the most.
 
Each one, a gift.
 
A show that a friend knows I watch every week… the episode that week was focused on one character’s pregnancy. Knowing how difficult that might be for me to watch, her text came at the exact moment that I felt the room get hazy and the tears threatened to fall.
 
The shower is my sanctuary…  one of my favorite places in the world…. the most anticipated part of each day. It’s where I can break… where I can be weak. It’s the only place I can go where I can’t hear the rest of the world… and it can’t hear me. I took so many showers in those weeks following the loss of #3… cleanliness was the furthest thing from my mind but I couldn’t handle how guilty I felt at being sad around people, anymore. In my showers I would let myself fall apart, sob, cry out to God to help me heal… and every time I stepped out of the shower, I had a new text or email… words of encouragement and love from someone whom God had spoken to at the exact moment that I needed love the most.
 
Nap-times were hard… a quiet house and a loud mind. I’d sit on the couch and watch TV… it was the only way I could handle being alone with myself. A trip to the mailbox was the most productive I could make myself for an afternoon…. it was also the hardest; the simple act of walking from my couch to my mailbox gave my mind enough time to wake-up… to think. And inevitably, those dreaded few steps would cause my thoughts to wander and the tears would threaten to fall…. and God would wrap those moments up in precious little packages inside of my mailbox; hand-written notes, sentimental cards, tiny wrapped gifts. Every moment was one that had been pre-ordained… pre-planned by my Jesus that is bigger than my pain… evidence that He works ahead of every step I take, in the minds of every person who wrote those cherished words or touched those treasured gifts.

Even among all of the pain and confusion and sadness, there was one thing haunted me… it lingered in the back on my mind, making my long-ignored to-do list, making my escape impossible….

thank you notes.

I take them seriously… my mom and dad put so much emphasis while I was growing up on how important it is to send thank you notes. Any gift is a display of love and represents precious time and often-times, money that someone set aside just for you… time and money they sacrificed with only you in mind. A thank you note is such a small display of gratitude, no matter how big or small a gift you receive.

I have never found myself in a position where I just didn’t want to write… or couldn’t write… a thank you note. I look forward to writing them… I enjoy letting someone know how much they are appreciated and that the time and thought they put into me did not go unnoticed.

But these thank you’s?

I have a stack of them…. all started… every one of them, unfinished.

For months, every time I sat down to try and put my gratitude into words, the tears would flow even harder…. I found myself so overcome with so many different emotions, that words just didn’t sound right…

A simple ‘thank you’… for unspoken encouragement, for strength, for saving me in one of the darkest times of my life…

it wasn’t enough.

And every note I started to write turned into a gushy mess…. an unloading of emotion, twinged with the tears that I just couldn’t stop.

Grief mixed with gratefulness results in emotions that can’t be explained in words.

This was new to me… a loss of words, in a note that should carry so much of my heart in it… but my heart was broken… and my words were, too.

So those ‘thank you’s’ never came…

I didn’t mail even 1.

Somehow, allowing those emotions to flow all the way from my head to my heart, and from my heart through my arm, and into my pen was just allowing them to move through me too much… it made the pain worse… made it unbearable.

I owe an apology to so many people who mean so much to me… my parents, my mother and sister in law, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, babysitters, friends, friends of friends, parents of friends, doctors and nurses… the list goes on.

To every one of you~

Your note has been written… but it remains unfinished. Expressing my gratitude and gratefulness for your thoughtfulness and selflessness in one of the most difficult times of our lives … it was an impossible task for me to complete.

I am so sorry.

I am so thankful….

and I am so sorry.

Your love for us is overwhelming… your love for our #1, #2, and #3 is profound.

While I can’t thank each of you for how you displayed your love and care for us during those few weeks, I can thank you for this…

for following God’s prompting in your heart.

Thank you for listening to his voice, no matter how quiet it sounded. Thank you for the precious minutes and hours, the written words, the dollars and cents, the prayers and the thoughts you devoted to us when there were so many other people and things vying for your attention.

Thank you.

But… what means more to me than any note or gift or symbol of your care and concern is the lesson I have learned through your thoughtfulness;

Those simple acts of kindness… the ones that take so little time or energy but translate into a million times their weight in gold… those never go un-noticed…

they are never forgotten.

God’s prompting in our hearts… Especially when they concern another one of His most beloved?

His promptings are never ‘casual’… but they always require a simple act on our part.

Listen. Follow. Do.

As our sweet girl’s half-birthday, our baby-boy’s 2nd birthday, and our #3’s due-date are all just days around the corner, I’m reminded of what we have, what we could have lost, and of what we have lost…

and I’m reminded that I’m not the only one who has, who has almost lost, and who has lost.

While I can’t find a way to write the words to say ‘thank you’, my thankfulness will outlast any words on a card with every text, every phone call, every sweet gift, every note on a card as I challenge myself to BE the one who encourages and remembers and prays and helps…

because I will never forget those who have been the encourager or texter or caller or gifter or writer …

for me.

Bear with me over the next couple weeks as I continue to process the huge life events that are just around the corner. This season is hard… and I intend to be honest.

 I know you expect no less … and my prayer is always that God will find a way to speak through His plan for my life and into His plan for yours…

and I’m up for that challenge, too.

 

A long break

I’ve been away for a while, and man does it seem like I’ve missed a lot. Many of the blogs I used to read are now expectant mothers. Not really want I needed to hear today. Not want I wanted to see. It’s the same old story, happy for you, sad for me. I’ve never really learned how to deal with the split between being sad for myself and happy for others. I haven’t really decided exactly what the looks like. I’m sure there are people who feel the same. So congrats to those of you who are realizing your dreams and are rejoicing in the miracle of children. I wish you all the best with your families. As for me, I’ll feel that all too familiar heart breaking and ask God for peace. “Every tear I cry, You hold in Your hands, You never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I’ll praise You in this storm.” ive tried

Oh how I wish I could post this on my forehead!!!

Here’s an article I found from Resolve.org.  It is truly amazing.  I wish I could post this on my forehead so everyone could SEE it.  This accurately describes almost every single one of my feelings, some that I can’t even put a word to.

 

Infertility Etiquette

 Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn’t coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

  • They will eventually conceive a baby.
  • They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
  • They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don’t know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don’t Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she “relaxed.” Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of “relaxing” are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as “infertile” until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren’t infertile but just need to “relax.” Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as “just relax” or “try going on a cruise” create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, “If you just relaxed on a cruise . . .” Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don’t Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone’s life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, “Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.,” do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn’t tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father’s Day or Mother’s Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn’t even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don’t Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don’t tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the “worst” thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the “worst” thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the “worst” thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the “worst” thing that could happen.

People wouldn’t dream of telling someone whose parent just died, “It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead.” Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don’t tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don’t Say They Aren’t Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, “Maybe God doesn’t intend for you to be a mother.” How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don’t you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn’t he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren’t religious, the “maybe it’s not meant to be” comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don’t Ask Why They Aren’t Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man’s sperm in a petri dish. This is a method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, “Why don’t you just try IVF?” in the same casual tone they would use to ask, “Why don’t you try shopping at another store?”

Don’t Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don’t make crude jokes about your friend’s vulnerable position. Crude comments like “I’ll donate the sperm” or “Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination” are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don’t Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don’t put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, “I’d gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby.” When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, “I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes.”

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends’ new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend’s emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can’t bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn’t rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don’t Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don’t follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn’t ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let’s face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to “dream” about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don’t Gossip About Your Friend’s Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband’s sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend’s privacy, and don’t share any information that your friend hasn’t authorized.

Don’t Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a “stranger’s baby,” they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy’s eyes and Mommy’s nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, “Why do you want to adopt a baby?” Instead, the question was, “Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?” Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn’t her “own,” then adoption isn’t the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, “Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.”) However, “pushing” the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say “I am giving you this baby,” there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn’t your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lessen the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren’t going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother’s Day

With all of the activity on Mother’s Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother’s Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother’s Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother’s Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven’t “forgotten” them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don’t encourage them to try again, and don’t discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don’t try to open that chapter again.

 

Taken from: http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family–friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Struggling to not fall apart…

Another picture of your little love
A triangle portrait of black and white
A wee glimpse of heaven above
Stealing your breath at just the sight.
 
Knowing, so soon he’ll be with you
Should be a time for me to rejoice
Instead, it cuts me right through
As barren leaves me with no choice.
 
Patiently waiting, praying, with tears,
As mothers hold their newborns so tight.
I have waited so many long years,
wondering when the time will be right.
 
I ponder the meaning of fair
And what this means for my life
Cry to God with a desperate prayer
Wishing “mother” added to “wife.”
 
I’m filled with envy and detest,
Sadness, and an incomplete heart,
Desperate for MY life to be blessed
Struggling to not fall apart.
 
Every drooly toothless smile
Every sleepy baby shot
Breaks the heart of the infertile,
Reminds me of what I have not.

God’s Plan

Ever since the day after Mother’s Day…finding out we could potentially adopt a mutual friend’s baby, it has been weighing heavily on my heart to adopt.  Not only did the idea of adopting J’s baby feel so right, everything seemed to line up so perfectly.  Obviously, since the baby didn’t make it, her baby was not meant for us.  I have been praying for a baby for almost 4 years, and never really felt strongly about any of the medical options available to us.  Basically I was never wholeheartedly into taking pills and going through medical privacy invasions to create a child.  I knew I wanted a child, but never really had a strong and clear picture on how to have one.  Now that we’ve been given, albeit brief, hope of adopting a child, I know in my heart this is what God is calling me to do. 

The fear and anxiety of giving God control, letting Him guide my future into motherhood is overwhelming.  I know that His plan for my life was created a long, long time ago and His design is perfect in structure.  BUT….lol 🙂 always a “but.”  Right now, I understand and know I have heard the voice of God telling me I will be a mother to someone else’s baby.  I know God has been preparing my heart (through a series of people I’ve met over my life) for adopting a baby.  This will be my path.  I don’t know how or when.  I don’t know how I will be able to afford it financially or how I will handle it emotionally.  I don’t know who and I don’t know why.  But I know it will be.  As in classic human nature, right now, I’m struggling with letting go of my plans, letting go of the desire to physically carry a baby to term, seeing my two pink lines, and having a child who shares the DNA from both my husband and I.  I’m grieving the loss of pregnancy and being a biological mother.  I’m grieving the loss of being pregnant.  With each “grief,” there also lies anger.  Anger that I can’t experience “normal” motherhood and that my body doesn’t work like it’s supposed to. 

While I work through the grief and anger, I am praying like crazy for peace.  I’m praying for courage and strength to do as God has called me to do.  Even though the message is so clear, it doesn’t mean I’m not scared absolutely to death.  It means putting aside the life I’ve always thought I would have, for a life that God has called me to lead.  And this is by far the scariest thing I’ve ever had to face in my life.  But I know God will see me through.  God will finish what He has started.

‘Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10

10 words that describe infertility

I saw this on someone else’s blog and feel like it truly touches all the points of infertility.  I might need to re-read this a few times, just to feel like someone out there understands what I’m going through.

 

Here are ten words I would use to describe how infertility feels:

1. Lonely. We saw couple after couple get pregnant before us, our best friends included. When they told us, we high-fived them, then we went home, and hardly knew what to say to each other. We felt lost, sad, and even lonelier than before. We were excited for them; we were just very sad for us.

It’s okay to go home and cry your eyes out when your friends get pregnant.

2. Exposed. Everybody wants to give you advice, and some people say incredibly stupid things. My favorite: “You just need to stop trying so hard!” Some people want to know every excruciating detail of what you’re doing to get pregnant. Suddenly, your most private details are the subject of casual conversation. Once people know you’re trying, people want to know how it’s going, if you’ve done artificial insemination, if you’d consider IVF, and how it felt in that small white room with the gross leather chair & the bad magazines.

It’s okay to avoid the question, smile, and change the subject. Keep as many things private as you can (except to a few trusted friends).

3. On Hold. We were always checking the calendar, wondering if we should plan that vacation, or that work trip, because what if we’re pregnant? Then we stopped doing that, because we would have never lived if we would have scheduled everything around a “what if.”

It’s okay to miss a month or two; you have to live your life. This is hard, but over the long haul, it will create more stress if you feel so trapped that you can’t plan anything. We even found that it’s good to take a month off now and then.

4. Invaded. For women, there are so many things entering your body (probes, needles, drugs) and so many people measuring your progress. Even sex, at the mercy of a calendar or a temperature reading, can feel invasive. The loss of control can almost merge into a loss of self.  But, it feels like once you’ve started down this road, there’s no stopping until you get pregnant.

It’s okay to say what you need, and it’s okay to shore up your boundaries in whatever ways you can.

5. Awkward. During one of the first visits where I was given the small cup and ceremoniously ushered into the small room, I actually ran into some people from my church afterwards. Of course they had their baby with them. I had a small cup that contained very personal contents with me. They asked, “What are you doing here?” I mean, what do you say?

It’s okay to laugh at yourself sometimes. And when someone catches you with your cup in your hand, that’s all you can do.

6. Angry. Unfair is the password that gets you into the infertility club. Mary tells a story of a friend asking her if she was angry with God. “No!” she blurted. “I’m angry at pregnant women!” She knew this was irrational, but she also knew that it was good for her soul to be honest in safe places. You actually may be angry with God, and you may need to find some safe places to be honest about that.

It’s okay to express the darkness, even the stuff you’re terribly embarrassed about, because it’s good for your soul. But in the right places, with people who can handle it.

7. Stressed. Even though it seems like a stressed out couple is less likely to get pregnant, The American Society for Reproductive Medicine finds that there is no proof stress causes infertility. Besides, trying hard to “not be so stressed about it” never worked for us. It also didn’t help to “just stop trying.” Everybody has a friend who was infertile for 73 years, and the day they stopped trying, they got pregnant. That never happened with us.

It’s okay to be stressed. Don’t stress about your stress. Trying hard not to be stressed is silly.

8. Despair. The cycle of hope and despair with infertility can take you out. I remember getting so excited when Mary was 2 days late, and just knowing that this time, it’s going to happen! Then, a few days or hours later, when she told me she got “it,” I would plunge into despair. The alternative is to temper your hope so that your despair doesn’t get so low. After about a hundred months of experiencing this cycle, we found that the best route is to keep hoping, and if it doesn’t happen, keep crying. It’s too hard to pretend that you’re not excited and that you’re not depressed. Be excited. Be depressed.

It’s okay to hope, and it’s okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying.

9. Loss. This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not what you dreamed it would be. And you don’t know how it will end.

It’s okay if you don’t know how to wrap your mind around your emotions. Be gentle with yourself for not totally having control of how you feel from moment to moment.

10. Ambivalence. Every time you have to go through another kind of treatment, you ask yourself: “Is it worth it? Do I really want it that bad?” And then in the very next breath, you are taken out by the sheer magnitude of how much you want a baby.

It’s okay to want and not want. That’s normal.

If you’re struggling with infertility, it can be such a dark time. You have to be out loud with each other about what you need, and every journey will be different. You have to give yourselves permission to do this journey in whatever way makes the most sense for you.

http://www.stevewiens.com/2013/03/26/ten-words-that-describe-infertility/

A little of this and a little of that…

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Well…it’s been a long time since I’ve updated, but there’s really not a whole lot to say.  Around Mother’s day one of my best friend’s friends found out she was pregnant with her fourth child and she was contemplating adoption.  So BFF told her that we might consider adopting her child, which I was totally on board with.  We tried to set up a few meetings, but things kept falling through.  Then she miscarried the baby.  So no adoption for us.  Boo hoo right?  It was extremely exciting while it lasted, but as with the rest of my baby adventures, it just didn’t work out (SO negative of me! Yikes!).

Dealing with being the only person bringing in an income has been a combination of stress and frustration.  I know my husband is trying and he can’t control the unemployment office, but I’m telling you, I was not built to be sole provider.  Just not in my nature or anywhere I can reach down to find.  I’m trying though.  It’s been stressful.

My dogs escaped from our yard about 2 weeks ago, and my big dog that I’ve had for 11 years was tragically hit by a semi truck about a ¼ mile from our house.  That was devastating and I miss her so very much.  My Chihuahua was returned about 48 hours after they escaped by a very nice lady who saw my ad on craigslist.  He’s finally adjusted to not having his BFF around and is back to his old self again.  I think I’m having a harder time dealing with the guilt of leaving them outside when there were fireworks and not finding them soon enough.  We were so close to them the whole time, but couldn’t save my girl in time.  I’m so very thankful to still have my boy though and am trying hard not to spoil him rotten!!

Nothing new on the baby making adventures.  Being without medication since February, my body is back to its old ways, meaning no periods.  I haven’t had a period since April 18th.  I guess a normal woman would probably love that, but for me that means no ovulation or such random ovulation it would be hard…if not impossible to track when that happens.  Basically, that whole part of my life is on hold until….well I don’t know when.  Whenever we land back on our feet as far as money and jobs go.  Could be tomorrow, could be next year.  We’ll just have to wait and see.

I’m in a slump.  Infertility (and life I guess) is an up and down pattern…a rollercoaster.  So right now, I’m in a dip.  I know things will get better, so I just have to hold on til then.   Maybe blogging more often will help me work through all my feelings and maybe bring me back up to a happier place.

Not a Mother on Mother’s day…

I made it through Mother’s day and am SO glad it’s over!  On Saturday, JT and I did some yard work and it was the perfect day for it, not too hot. We had an overgrown lavender bush right at the front of our house and I’ve wanted to take it out since before we even moved in.  We called it the “bee bush” because when we first looked at the house and until it got cold, there was a LARGE swarm of bees around the bush.  It was awful!  So we were able to dig it out and now I just have to decide what to put there to replace it.  JT and I were talking about the rest of our weekend when JT mentioned we could go to church and relax on Sunday.  I told him I didn’t want to go to church and he asked me why.  I told him it was Mother’s Day and he said, “so?”  I told him it makes me sad because I’m not a mother.  My husband actually had the nerve to SIGH and roll his eyes!!!!!  I was so furious I just had to leave. I went outside and just started doing random things.  As much as I’ve supported him since we’ve been together, as many nights I’ve stayed up praying for him to find peace with his life, as many tears I’ve cried over his emotional pain…you think he would have the same decency to support my emotional pain.  But he didn’t.  He rolled his eyes at the thing that makes me the saddest in this whole.  I get that as a guy he probably doesn’t understand why I want to be a mother so bad.   He probably doesn’t even want to know why.  But that’s not the point.  I don’t understand things about him but I don’t roll my eyes when he’s upset about something.  ANYWAY, luckily my parents invited us to the lake, which is about 2 ½ hours away and fish on their boat for Mother’s Day.  We decided to do that on Sunday.  It was fun time with my parents and brother, sister-in-law and niece.  My niece is so cute!!!!  I love her oh so much.  I was planning on staying the night, but then for some reason JT said he would rather we drive back home. So we did.  He made the points that he has to start his community service today, we could cook out for dinner, and just be home.  What happened when we got home?  Nothing.  He watched his TV show (that I don’t like) and I was annoyed the whole time.  It’s not his fault, I know that.  But, I wanted to spent time with my parents and niece, but instead I got to sit at home like I always do, doing nothing.  After reading through stupid facebook, I was so frustrated and overwhelmed with sadness, I just started cleaning.  I cleaned up the kitchen and organized my ever growing yarn collection.  JT asked me what was wrong and then said, “is it the baby thing?” and that’s it.  When I get distant, he gets even more distant.   I choked back my tears and tried to distract myself.  I went to bed early and slept in late.  For icing on the cake, JT couldn’t even start his community service today because he has to do an orientation first.  I was also annoyed about that. I’m thankful for my mother and my sister who are both great mothers.  I’m glad they’re in my life as people I can look up to and aspire to be like.  I’m glad I had a day to celebrate them because the deserve it.  But I’m glad that day is over!

<3,

Cortny

Just another one

I get so choked up talking about my infertility, it’s a wonder I can even talk about it at all.  I try not to.  But today it came up.  Today was a bad day.  In all honesty, I’ve been ignoring my infertility lately.  I’ve been focused on getting my husband home and back on his feet and dealing that whole lovely situation, which, by the way, has gone from bad to worse.  But that’s for another time and place.  I think I’ve finally come to terms with my co-worker being pregnant.  I was able to freely talk to her about it today without feeling like I couldn’t breathe.  We talked about some names she liked and how her FMLA would look when she had the baby.  We talked about it being twins because they run in her family and how excited her husband would be if it was a boy.  I joked that the baby needed some oreos I brought in.  And then just like that, another one of my facebook “friends” posted a picture of their beautiful ultrasound picture.  Another unexpected pregnancy for an unstable couple.  And that all too familiar lump in my throat grew as I held back tears of sadness and the overbearing pain inside my heart.  I stared at the picture for a while, trying to stifle my emotions from pouring out from my eyes.  Once I was finally able to close it, it was cruelly followed by my three other friends who have recently had babies posting pictures of their adorable newborns for the world to see.  Facebook is about to get thrown off my phone.  I wish I could literally throw it onto the ground and stomp on it.  I wonder if that would satisfy my desire for a full blown tantrum.  I know it wouldn’t, but there’s always to hoping something might make this pain go away.  I have been praying today that God can heal this pain and help me accept the things I can’t change.  I know He’ll answer, but for now, it just hurts so much. 

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalms 34:18.